You are the EQUIUS CAM 3000 STRONG EDITION. Recently you were PURCHASED by the DIGNIFIED STEP FATHER of this COMPLETELY NORMAL FAMILY. You were built with the best MATERIALS. One could say that you are in the HIGHEST CLASS of cameras, that is if camera had classes.
The only problem with your DESIGN besides the PROFUSE CAMERA SWEAT, is that EQUIUS CAMS tend to attract CREATURES of the FELINE VARITY.
Your name is FEFERI PEIXES. The idiots messing around in the middle of the street are the members of your DARLING FAMILY. You were just feeding your PET FISH and unpacking all your belongings when you were disrupted by your husband scolding the WHINY HIPSTER.
As much as you love them, you kind of wish you had a different, happier family. You go to yoga classes, smile all the time, and meditate often. You’re pretty much a happy-go-lucky troll. The bad feelings that constantly bounce between the members of your DARLING FAMILY tend to disrupt the flow of your chi and shatter your tranquil persona, making you turn into a MAJOR BITCH sometimes.
TA: the fuck eriidan?!
TA: ii told you two unpack those boxe2 for your brother thiirty miinute2 ago!
CA: but theyre heavvy and i’m tired
CA: plus, i might get my scarf dirty
TA: ii don’t fuckiing care about your 2carf or iif theyre ‘heavvy’. get them iin the hou2e now young man!
CA: don’t glubbin tell me wwhat to do SOL
CA: youre not my real dad
CA: i wwill nevver understand wwhy my mother married such a fuckin tool
TA: 2ay hii two the camera tav
TA: and 2miile when you 2ay iit
AT: uH, h-HI?
TA: COME ON. 2ay iit liike you mean iit.
AT: uH, wHY DOES THAT CAMERA HAVE EQUIUS, uh, hORNS?
TA: iits none of your bu2iine22 tav.
AT: oH, uM, oKAY.
AT:„ iLL JUST GO, uH, uNPACK THE CAR,
TA: waiit. wasn’t that useless lump eriidan suppose two do the unpacking?
AT: yEAH
Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR. You are the STEP FATHER of TAVROS and the WHINY HIPSTER. You are happily married and love both of your sons … ironically. You wear a sweater vest because it makes you feel fatherly and dignified, two things you most certainly aren’t.
When you’re not downloading QUESTIONABLE FILES from the interent, you are purchasing the lastest technology. For example, the EQUIUS-CAM 2000 STRONG EDITION. It’s the top of the line and can withstand anything.
It would probably be put to better use in the hands of a professional, but you don’t give a fuck. You just want to a be a happy step father that has every moment with his lovely family documented on film.
